The following article has been excerpted from Life Is Not Fair... By: Bill Bernard Ready, Willing and Able Just because the law has set certain ages as the time when they consider most people responsible enough to figure out the obligation part all on their own, there’s still a fairly sizable group who are not responsible enough, even though they’ve had the legal number of birthdays.

Worse yet, there’s another sizable group that can’t even seem to wait for these rather lenient dates.  There are a whole bunch of people other there doing this stuff, a lot who are not ready, whether they’ve reached the legal age or not!  It’s these people you need to watch out for.  They will get you in trouble.  They have already started down a rocky path and they want to take as many people with them as they can.  Beware the dark side, Luke.  It’s really not that this stuff will absolutely ruin your life, although it can.  It’s just that invariably, this stuff is an obstacle, it makes it harder to get and keep what you really should be wanting in life.

It’s not about how old you are; it’s about how ready you are to deal with it.  Age or the law should have very little to do with it.  The only thing that should matter to you is you!  This stuff is important and dangerous enough that it’s worthwhile to really understand the obligations that go with it.  You’ll have plenty of time for this stuff, and I promise you that it’s a whole lot more fun when you do it right!  So, the Life Lesson here is that there is no real “good” or “bad” or “if” to sex or getting wasted—it’s all about “when.”  When are you going to be ready?  (Hint:  It has nothing to do with your age.)

Think about it this way.  Let’s imagine a fictional kid.  This kid’s father is huge, say six feet ten inches and three hundred pounds.  Let’s say his mom is too.  He’s probably one of the biggest kids in his class and will be a very big guy when he’s an adult.  We’ll add that he is also unbelievably coordinated, a natural athlete.  It would be fair to say that this kid has an excellent chance of being a professional football player—he’s big, quick, and coordinated.  Now, let’s imagine him at age 17 when he’s almost as physically big as he’s going to get.  He decides to go try-out with the Oakland Raiders football team.  He will get the crap kicked out of him!  This is not a presumption—this is a fact!  Why?  Even though he has everything going for him to do this successfully one day, today ain’t his day!  He’s just not ready.  He isn’t fully “cooked” yet!

He’s not going to get much bigger, or necessarily any stronger, but the reason he gets the crap kicked out of him is because he’s not mentally or emotionally “tough” enough to deal with it.  This includes his ability to deal with nerves, stress, pressure, confidence, insecurities, and self esteem.  Having a good handle on this emotional and mental stuff takes time and experience—and there’s no substitute.  Just like the kid with the Raiders, it’s exactly the same for you with sex and getting wasted.  Although your body may be ready, your ability to think about it the right way may not be (the nerves, confidence, insecurities, and self esteem stuff).  When you’re not both physically and mentally prepared for something, you invariably get the crap kicked out of you.  This is a Fact of Life.

TWO VIEWS

For women, learning (incorrectly) to see themselves as objects creates a whole host of problems.  First and foremost, they become obsessed with their appearance.  After all, an object is only known by what it looks like.  Since very few people have the looks or body of the ever-present supermodel, they begin a lifelong process of reconstruction that, more often than not, ends in frustration.  Secondly, and perhaps of more concern, women begin to view their sexuality in relation to their desirability as an object.  This is the “He will only ‘love’ me if I have sex with him” syndrome.  Both of these not-so-obvious consequences lead to unhappiness.  Both consequences can be eliminated by simply being aware of what’s going on.  A little bit of clear thinking here can do away with a lifetime of unnecessary distress.  Women need to think long and hard about how they see themselves in this context.  Your early experience with this stuff sets the pattern for your whole life.  Women need to see themselves as whole partners and whole people, not just as a sex toy.  Men need to stop playing on that insecurity.

For men, learning to see women as objects creates a whole host of different problems.  Here, men learn to see women as “prey,” the “can I get in her pants” syndrome.  This view of women will keep you from ever enjoying a truly satisfying relationship.  With the emphasis on “conquest,” you can never really accept a woman as an equal partner and will miss a part of life that is much better than the sex.  Sure, you “get off” going from woman to woman, but the longer it goes on, the less fulfilling it becomes, and eventually you will be unable to connect with women in any other way than a few minutes of far-less-than meaningful sex.  Here, too, the remedy to this potential consequence is just having your eyes open.  What are you really trying to accomplish—the sex or a partnership?  Many times the answer is just the sex, but the problem surfaces when you want a partner and no longer have the ability to see women as anything more than a sex toy.  Men have to think about their view of women and how this affects their ability to be a real man.  Real men don’t “possess” or “conquer” a woman.  Real men see a woman as a necessary and valuable partner in the very difficult journey of life.

These two sets of consequences that come from both men’s and women’s views of sex have populated the bar and singles scene of our culture with a vast wasteland of men seeking women who they have no real desire to have a relationship with, and women who fit the bill.  This is another unexpected surprise (or consequence) of sex—seeing people as individuals (as whole people, as Shakespeare wrote, “If I am pricked, do I not bleed?”), and understanding that it is the relationship that should really be the goal.  Sex is just a fun fringe benefit!  This is how you should think about sex.

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